I don’t know how to explain to non poly folk when they insist on having a discussion with me about polyamory…that love for me is infinite. that my loving my husband deeply and being loved by him is exactly why I am able to love others. non poly folk talk about the concept of ownership: I am his, he is mine. & I don’t know how to explain to them that for me the vocabulary of ownership has no place. that I don’t understand it. I have a bond with my husband that is amazing, but it doesn’t mean I can’t have strong bonds with others.
for non poly folk there seems to be a contradiction between a bond such as marriage & polyamory. I can’t explain to them that when I find other kindreds, I want to be married to them also but society doesn’t let me do that. that marriage for me means being able to take care of someone and show openly one’s devotion & love. in an ideal world we could marry our dear friends and our grandmothers, our lovers and ourselves. I don’t think this bond has much to do with sex. it has to do with the need to be close and loving to people, to give of ourselves as much as we can. I know plenty of loving & giving relationships that are not sexual, don’t you?
one of the things I’ve had to come to terms with is that my husband is able to find, & find is not the right word, nurturing lovers who take care of him and who let themselves be taken care of. I can’t say that I’ve had that experience too often with men who have been my lovers.
I do have dear friends who are very loving. we don’t have sex, but their nurturing unselfish care is beautiful. life is busy; we don’t always have the time to spend with those we love, but these dear friends always keep me in their thoughts as they are in mine. when we can we spend time together or we e-mail or say a brief word via social media. it doesn’t take away from my love for them if they can’t spend time with me.
so love, yes, love, for me is infinite, not a scarce resource I want to hoard. I am free with my love. it doesn’t make any one person any less special to me. I am a devoted lover with a heart big enough for all who wish to be loved by me.